“I want them pursuing wholeness.” Making yourself useful “I don’t want my children thinking about success in terms of winning and losing,” Tjan told me. At MiniLuxe, the manicurists receive fair pay and retirement benefits-and the customers receive a more hygienic manicure and pedicure. One of his pet projects is MiniLuxe, a nail salon chain that he founded to shake up the nail industry, where manicurists are routinely underpaid and exploited. Today, Tjan is a partner at the investment firm Cue Ball, where he’s trying to live up to his new definition of success-and he seems to be, well, succeeding. At the time, he assumed success meant, in his word, “winning.” He writes: “We’d defined our success, by what an initial public offering could bring us, rather than by any of the meaningful roles or innovations we had created, or their impact on the world.” In time, he realized that true success lies in, he said, “using your strengths in the service of a higher calling”-in other words, generativity. In the book The Life Cycle Completed, Erikson tells a joke about a dying old man to make a profound point about generativity:Īs he dealt with the fallout of the failed IPO, Tjan realized that his definition of success had led him down the wrong path. And in adulthood, the most significant task is developing generativity-that is, cultivating the next generation, or helping other people to accomplish their goals and reach their potential. In young adulthood, the primary goal is to forge intimate bonds with others. In adolescence, for example, creating a sense of identity is the key developmental challenge.

Redefining successĪccording to the great 20 th-century psychologist Erik Erikson, in order to lead a meaningful life, humans must master a certain value or skill at each stage of their development.

These are the criteria that we should be using to gauge our own success in life and the success of others, especially our children. Cultivating these qualities, my research showed, brings people a deep and enduring sense of fulfillment, which in turn helps them to face setbacks with resilience and meet death with peace. It’s about being a good, wise, and generous human being. Writing my book taught me that being a successful person isn’t about career achievement or having the most toys.

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